23 Weeks!

So here I am. 23 weeks. Feeling absolutely GREAT with the pregnancy. Trying to enjoy the little parts. The baby moving. The kicks. The flips. On a countdown to 24 weeks, only 7 days to go. I was looking forward to this post, was starting to get more comfortable with being pregnant. With making it another week every week. You could maybe even say "enjoying" the pregnancy! Then yesterday happened.

First I had ultrasound. The tech went and got dad and we got to see baby face on. It is incredibly strange to be looking into the eyes of your unborn child, knowing exactly what they look like at that gestation. This sure is one busy baby!!!!

But in upsetting news,

My cervix has once again shortened. This time, the usual optimistic, nonchalant doctor was concerned. It is obvious that things are just slowly continuing to go downhill. Every single week since having my cerclage placed, I have lost length. It has never stayed stable. In their words, "it looks like we are headed down a path we have already travelled." The tears came. Hubby was with me. Probably a good time for him to be at an appointment as I do not think that he 100% "got it". He does now.

The good thing going for us right now is that we have that stitch in place. We just have to hope that this stitch can hold our sweet baby in for as long as possible!

So, next Tuesday, on the day I celebrate turning 24 weeks, I will get my first steroid shot for baby. Second dose will be 24 hours later. I will also be having another ultrasound and seeing the doctor. He told me to bring my bags, so I am most likely being admitted for the rest of the pregnancy. He said I could pretty much count on it. Again, the tears. Hubby was a bit emotional but said "its a good thing". We both know that this is what will be best for baby. I am supposed to be on bed rest here at home, but that just hasn't been working out too well. Being in the hospital will take away the stress of caring for the house and doing things I just shouldn't be.

If any "good news" can come out of this, doctor told us yesterday that baby is HUGE for this gestation. Actually, in the 97th percentile!!! Here is the thing. When I was in labor with A, they estimated him at 455 grams. That is one pound. When he was born, he weighed 710 grams, 1.9lbs. An average 24 weeker, is 600 grams or 1.4lbs.

This baby yesterday, was already measuring at 668 grams!!!! That is 1.7lbs! An average baby at 23 weeks weighs 501 grams or 1.1lbs.

With all of this being said....

First, I am scared. So scared. I know the life of the NICU all too well. I know the daily fears for a baby that is in the NICU.

I am sad. I was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe this would be a wonderful summer waiting for our healthy full term baby to arrive.

I am anxious. I hate not knowing what to expect. I hate this day by day thing.

I am angry. I have already had one micro preemie. One who has grown into an amazing little man, but with so many issues that I wish I could take away. I am angry as well because I had the strength to try again and lost our second little boy. A little one who we were so excited to meet and love.

I am heartbroken.

BUT,

I

BELIEVE.

I have to believe that this baby will be okay. This is the only way for me to keep my sanity and continue this pregnancy day by day. I have to believe that I will get the steroid shots for baby in time (which A never had the chance to get). I have to believe that this hospital bed rest will help me get as far as I can before welcoming this little one into the world.

And like the doctor said, I myself will feel MUCH better being in hospital. I will be right under their noses. There will be no worry/panic about something happening here at home and having a 45 minute ride to get to the place I need to feel calm and safe.

So, we just keep moving on. Praying and believing is all we can do.