23 Weeks!

So here I am. 23 weeks. Feeling absolutely GREAT with the pregnancy. Trying to enjoy the little parts. The baby moving. The kicks. The flips. On a countdown to 24 weeks, only 7 days to go. I was looking forward to this post, was starting to get more comfortable with being pregnant. With making it another week every week. You could maybe even say "enjoying" the pregnancy! Then yesterday happened.

First I had ultrasound. The tech went and got dad and we got to see baby face on. It is incredibly strange to be looking into the eyes of your unborn child, knowing exactly what they look like at that gestation. This sure is one busy baby!!!!

But in upsetting news,

My cervix has once again shortened. This time, the usual optimistic, nonchalant doctor was concerned. It is obvious that things are just slowly continuing to go downhill. Every single week since having my cerclage placed, I have lost length. It has never stayed stable. In their words, "it looks like we are headed down a path we have already travelled." The tears came. Hubby was with me. Probably a good time for him to be at an appointment as I do not think that he 100% "got it". He does now.

The good thing going for us right now is that we have that stitch in place. We just have to hope that this stitch can hold our sweet baby in for as long as possible!

So, next Tuesday, on the day I celebrate turning 24 weeks, I will get my first steroid shot for baby. Second dose will be 24 hours later. I will also be having another ultrasound and seeing the doctor. He told me to bring my bags, so I am most likely being admitted for the rest of the pregnancy. He said I could pretty much count on it. Again, the tears. Hubby was a bit emotional but said "its a good thing". We both know that this is what will be best for baby. I am supposed to be on bed rest here at home, but that just hasn't been working out too well. Being in the hospital will take away the stress of caring for the house and doing things I just shouldn't be.

If any "good news" can come out of this, doctor told us yesterday that baby is HUGE for this gestation. Actually, in the 97th percentile!!! Here is the thing. When I was in labor with A, they estimated him at 455 grams. That is one pound. When he was born, he weighed 710 grams, 1.9lbs. An average 24 weeker, is 600 grams or 1.4lbs.

This baby yesterday, was already measuring at 668 grams!!!! That is 1.7lbs! An average baby at 23 weeks weighs 501 grams or 1.1lbs.

With all of this being said....

First, I am scared. So scared. I know the life of the NICU all too well. I know the daily fears for a baby that is in the NICU.

I am sad. I was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe this would be a wonderful summer waiting for our healthy full term baby to arrive.

I am anxious. I hate not knowing what to expect. I hate this day by day thing.

I am angry. I have already had one micro preemie. One who has grown into an amazing little man, but with so many issues that I wish I could take away. I am angry as well because I had the strength to try again and lost our second little boy. A little one who we were so excited to meet and love.

I am heartbroken.

BUT,

I

BELIEVE.

I have to believe that this baby will be okay. This is the only way for me to keep my sanity and continue this pregnancy day by day. I have to believe that I will get the steroid shots for baby in time (which A never had the chance to get). I have to believe that this hospital bed rest will help me get as far as I can before welcoming this little one into the world.

And like the doctor said, I myself will feel MUCH better being in hospital. I will be right under their noses. There will be no worry/panic about something happening here at home and having a 45 minute ride to get to the place I need to feel calm and safe.

So, we just keep moving on. Praying and believing is all we can do.

A Pretty Big Update

Well, lets start with baby. I saw my team on Thursday, and baby looked great on the ultrasound! Baby is growing well and is very active. I am feeling baby every single day and I just can't get enough! I am also now able to see the kicks from the outside which is really exciting too. Dad has yet to feel any kicks...it seems that baby likes to be still as soon as he places his hand on my belly.

Baby on April 21st

I still have a tiny amount of protein in my urine, but just feeling happy that it hasn't changed into anything more. My cervix however has gone down yet again. And this time by a whole cm. I have to admit that I was very shocked when the nurse told me my measurement. The tears came. It is sooo scary only being just over 20 weeks and knowing that if something was to happen now, nothing can be done. It is also scary because we really are hoping on not doing any NICU time.

So I am now on modified bedrest. I am not allowed to do ANY lifting, which everyone knows how hard that is considering A relies on us for everything. I am not allowed to stand/sit for too long and cannot go for any walks. If I was to lose another 1cm, I will be admitted to hospital. This scares me too, because of A. I know things will work out, but being a mom who worries about her child CONSTANTLY, doing so from a hospital bed 45 minutes away would be much much worse.

Baby April 28th

I remember kind of being iffy about getting the cerclage done at first and just wanting to be followed closely. Now, I am just SO happy I have the cerclage or I would be going absolutely insane. Well, more insane than I already am! hahaha

So, all those prayers and thoughts are truly needed at this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In little man news. He is doing great!!! I place his hand on my tummy alot and tell him that it is the baby. If you ask him now where baby is, he will usually look at my tummy. So cute. He is going to be such a great big brother. One of the things I am most excited for is seeing the two of them together. I also can't wait until A sees his little brother/sister for the first time....I wonder if he will know?

In school, things are still just as fantastic as they have been. He loves every single second he is there. I had a meeting last week with the principal, his teacher and the resource teacher. It was to go over his IEP and discuss plans for next year. I am very happy with the IEP that they have written up for him and even more happy that all three of them agreed with me that the speech therapists ideas for A to say yes/no are absurd and just will not work. I love having people on my side.

I was asked about next year and what I had in mind for A. Of course I said that I was expecting him to go to grade 1 and be there daily. However, all three of them think that A should stay back and do SK again and then move on. The environment of SK is much more relaxed and as well, A didn't get started until pretty much the beginning of November anyways. And even then, that was not even full days. I told them I would be okay with that, but something had to be figured out for him to go all day everyday. So the principal spoke to his supervisor and she agreed that A can do SK over again, but go everyday. This means that he will be in two different classes, but I know he will love it!

Little man also got him brand new AFOs and they are really cool! And these were picked up just in time for his brand new OWN stander!!!!! He was not thrilled at all to be put in it the first night it was brought, but it has been a while since he has used one so we will just have to get him used to it again. Physio was here the following day while I was at my appointment and my mom said that A was so upset with just putting on his AFOs that they didn't even put him in the stander at all. So I got a great picture of him yesterday to show physio next time I see her! hahaha

On Good Friday, we went up to Hilton Falls for a little family hike. We had never been there before so we thought we would check it out. I was a bit iffy about going, but figure that a 4km hike into the falls and back out would not be that bad if we just took our time. A loves his bike trailer and had so much fun on the hike. Mommy however was not feeling too hot by the time we were done. My back was sore and I told J that there would be no more family hikes until we were a family of four!

Easter Sunday we headed to see grandma and grandpa S and the rest of the family for Easter dinner. This was tough for me as well, because it is just so far from my comfort zone. I always feel the need to be close to my team. I did okay though and was happy we went. It was nice to see everyone!!!